PND | Depression

1. Worship is WARFARE on depression!!

Anyone who has known depression knows it has a pungent stench that repels others; it is often reminiscent of the hairy unwashed and defeated battle-weary soldiers of days gone by. In the same token anyone who has known the aromatic fragrance of overcoming depression knows the attraction of a sweet smelling life of victory; a life where each day is flooded with life's little blessings that are a clear reminder and an affronting broadcast of victory.

It reminds me of that waft of perfume as I broach the outer perimeter of a large department store and I am assaulted by the adhoc combination of perfumes sprayed frivolously throughout the cosmetics department. The fragrance differs each time I visit, yet it is unmistakable. To me, it is opulent and luxurious...now; that I am dressed for the occasion and feeling good about life. However, in the not too distant past there would have been a time where, disheveled and in my pyjamas, had I been placed in that environment those same smells would have declared defeat in my life. An offensive stench curling up my nostrils; uninvited and unwanted. They would have reinforced the hopelessness of my situation.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream, and although I wonÕt share all of it I was struck by a point where I was sitting with a Bible in my hands and it was open to a page that had a cross reference to a scripture. Printed on the page of my Bible in my dream was 2 Corinthians 2:15. It was The Message Bible...I laugh at it being so specific! This is the scripture:

...in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade. Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognised by those on the way to salvation- an aroma redolent with life. But those on the way to destruction treat us more like the stench from a rotting corpse.

It speaks of the way that returning soldiers would parade throughout the city with incense burning and the fragrance that declared victory for some was the very same fragrance that declared defeat for others in the crowds...depending on where their allegiances lay. It would cause some people to run out into the light to shout and celebrate and then others it would cause to cower and retreat to darker and safer places because the same fragrance became a stench of defeat to them.

It is the same for my perfume experiences; it has declared defeat in the past, causing me to run home to safer less exposed places and now it declares victory where I give a little cheer deep inside knowing how far I have come. That little unspoken cheer is worship to my Saviour who has brought me through some very dark times to stand in the light and opulence...of bright department store lights...no less! And obviously on a more serious note...into the light of a full and satisfying life.

The Bible verse has in turn spurred the aspiration in me to have a life that declares victory. A fragrance that comes from having a personal relationship with my God that draws people in rather than the stench of defeat that chases them away. That beautiful aroma that wafts out the shop doors and is carried on the breeze of tomorrow's hope.

What are the characteristics of such a life? Certainly not perfectionism! I am so far away from that mark and always will humbly remain there but my heart is true to my love for a Sovereign and Mighty God. With that comes personal integrity and compassion for others who are hurting. I also know that whenever I find myself counting lifeÕs blessings and being truly thankful to the God who sends them, my life is lived out in worship of Him.

That worshipful life of being thankful and caring for others is warfare in itself and that has an aroma all of it's own. It's a victorious battlecry that shouts I will live a life gravitating outwards towards others and supporting them rather than navel gazing my own troubles and becoming so inwardly focused that I cannot face life.

After all isn't that what makes people contagious...a certain selflessness that says I care about you just a little bit more than I care about myself?

3. Waiting on a promise

Sometimes when you see the light at the end of the tunnel the biggest challenge is to hold onto the promise of a life and a better future when the physical reality of everyday life hasn't changed in the slightest.

On the other side of my struggles I can now look back and see the massive changes in me. Personal changes in character and personality as well as emotional and spiritual maturity. It is such a privilege to be able to see them at the end but to be able to see them during the trial is really something special. To keep a great attitude and focus on the learning that is taking place as opposed to the trauma is the point where I have shifted from the overcome to the overcomer. My trials to this point are the preparation that is necessary for me to be ready for what the future holds.

It takes a keen awareness to notice the growth in a babyÐespecially your own, because you see them day in and day out. Others perceive the changes so much more quickly and can identify the rapid growth. It has been the same for me, I have often needed others to point out the rapid growth because I catch myself striving towards the light when most days I am actually basking in it!

The peace and calm, of standing in the light, I have amidst my circumstances, facing divorce and moving house, is dramatically different from a year ago when similar circumstances would have had me in an absolute tither, swamped with prolific planning for my future. A very dark place indeed.

It's also a point in my life where I know I need to hang on to the wonderful things that God has promised me and not settle for less than His best for me. His best is a peaceful spiritual life and of course...all the other blessings that He has revealed in our quiet times together. But I need to be careful not to overstep His timing or try to manipulate life or people to bring those promises about. Just trust that He will do it and for each opportunity that arises that is not totally in line with His promises I must walk away. Its not that I can't walk in that level of blessing--He will permit that, but it's not His best...not His perfect will for my life. And that is what I want.

It's like offering a child a bowl of ice-cream with sprinkles, chocolate topping and a few choc dots too. Then telling them that they can have the ice-cream now or wait until we drive to the shops to get the sprinkles, topping and choc dots. The ice-cream is great on its own but with all the trimmings...? I know which promise I will want to hang in there for. I just look at it that God is now organising all the trimmings; looking at the big picture. My childish notions of wanting everything now will have to go! I will wait. In the mean time I will pray that He makes my stomach...and my character more able to fit in all the trimmings.

The most important promise is a closer relationship with Him. It's personal and liberating. He will keep his word. Not only will he never abandon me but He will keep coming closer to me. He will walk the long and often lonely journey with me.

Are you waiting on a promise too? Hang on tight and keep your attitude right. He'll help you if you ask. I am constantly asking for an extra portion of Grace to do just that. He always gives me the comfort and reassurance I need.

4. Am I a burden?

I pose the question...does everyone challenged by depression struggle with the mantle of feeling like a burden to others?

Today I was confronted with this dilemma. Currently wading through the final steps of divorce I am faced with the sale of our current home and then the challenge of moving house.

The most debilitating thoughts today were fueled by a complete and paralyzing fear of becoming a burden to someone else. Obviously shared accommodation is a practical possibility for me at the moment. But, my plethora of concerns when considering this option range from; How much will I get in the way of other occupants and their lifestyles?

Add my two little men into the picture and well for those guys anything goes. My eldest has just emptied our beanbag cushions out on the lawn and into the sandpit. Delighted that he has just created snow! Would we be too messy to get along with others? Would my needs be too great? I don't even want to get into all my own idiosyncracies, many of which I put down to the aftershocks of PND. Okay, so some are just me...

Chatting with a friend about the issue, she kindly pointed out that lots of people don't live with this mantle. It got me thinking where did it come from and even more so about how to get rid of it. I guess it comes from basically thinking I am not worthy. Past relationships landed me there. Some old fashioned teaching along the lines of women only really being valuable if they are married, work/ strive hard, have children and now...a career doesn't help. And I am wondering if it has anything to do with dysfunctional relationships with the opposite sex.

Either way I know in my head I'm okay...months of counseling have got me to that point. I won't be turning around now. But why the lingering feelings that possibly the household cockroach would be more welcome than me.

Some prayer and deep thought reveals to me that it is part of an old mindset that needs to be released and then shaken off. Replaced with a new one that confirms that I am just as valuable to society as the next person and that I probably would in fact be quite a point of interest to someone else's household! Maybe even a breathe of fresh air. Only by stepping out and sharing accommodation will we know the rest of what I might have to offer.

It's also taken some work to get my head around thinking about what my future companions can offer meÉhow I or my children might benefit from the relationships formed. Couldn't even take that leap in my mind this morning. Now I feel on equal standing with everybody else I can contemplate that others just might enjoy helping me!

Why? I needed to take that question back to the One who created me and knows me better than I know myself. My God made me with the quirks and it is apparently because He delights in seeing what I might choose to do with the talents, gifts and desires He has placed in me. Born with these things He wants to see how I am able to be myself and relate to others with love. Then, in doing just that how I am able to share just a snippet of His love with others. Seems almost too easy.

That sorted, I am ready to move...on to our next big adventure. Made a whole lot less daunting without the, now incredulous belief, that I am a burden.

Managed to shoo away that depressing little lie...I'll be on guard for the next one.

6. My inner child is playing hide & seek!

Today I am discovering that often for adults who, for whatever reason, had to grow up too quickly, it is a common dilemma to have to find their inner child. I am one of those adults who, for such a long time believed that I did not deserve to have fun and lighten up. Such ideals were for the people who were frivolous with their time and their lives... what I sad delusion I have been under.

A guilt complex and taking on too much responsibility throughout my life until now reinforced my foolish notions that basically I was not entitled to enjoy my life. After some serious soul searching and prayer I have been able to seek out that inner child that God created me with.

Sometimes it still hides amidst the day-to-day tasks that I must get through but then I am gently reminded that children have the ability to enjoy just about any 'boring' job. That gentle prompt reminds me that if I can learn to enjoy the boring things, relax in the noneventful times and be at peace in the turmoil (because I am aware that when there are things I cannot change it is often God's responsibility to sort things out. After all I am not GOD!)...then I truly can live a very happy life.

Really aren't these the things with the potential to make life miserable? If I go to the movies and the movie is long and boring, or I have millions of jobs waiting at home that I'd rather complete or there is a family crisis on the boil that I'd like to stew about...isn't my movie going to be resented by me? And won't I come out complaining about how much of a waste of money and time it was or how much I really didn't like it?

What if I chose to sit...told myself to enjoy the time out...bought myself something naughty to eat...enjoyed the atmosphere of being immersed in darkness and taken on a journey somewhere else for an hour or so? Thought about some of the things that I could be doing that I'm really glad I don't have to do...like cleaning my room!

Maybe then I could seek out and find my inner child. Maybe I could lighten up. Maybe I could learn the discipline of balancing work and play because both are vital in a well-balanced life if I am to enjoy it.

After all isn't that where the saying 'all work and not play makes Jack a dull boy'. It also makes Flavia miserable to live with...even for herself!

7. Where is the point of emotional balance?

My journey today has led my on a discovery of what it is to have emotional balance. I was reading extensively and came across the theory that emotional maturity is defined as balance and that balance is best described as 'calm delight'. It is not described as hysterics, hype or ecstasy and neither is it described as continual crisis and worry.

For a long time I thought I needed crisis and looked for the pain in life to keep my mind busy and, I think deep down, I believed that it would keep other people interested in my life as well. To do that I either needed excitement or crisis--party or pain. Now, I realise it's simply not true. In light of this I now just want a constant sense of calm and peace regardless of the circumstances. Obviously there will be some discipline involved.

It comes to me as a huge surprise, from the point of someone who has suffered with depression, that it is just as counterproductive to have the extreme emotional highs in life. I guess they are always inevitably followed by the extreme lows then some moderately bland days and the cycle repeats. When I think about it the highs hardly get noticed. But if I am honest with myself I know they exist and they do exhaust me.

I think that it surprised me because depression is perceived as bad and therefore the logical assumption is that extreme happiness is the answer and we should do everything possible to maintain that emotionally high level of happiness.

I wonder if...as humans, when we realise that we are unable to create the extremes of excitement or crisis that it becomes a natural flow to find substances in alcohol and illicit drugs or even prescription drugs that mimic those feelings and possibly increase the undesirable results of confusion, despair and disillusionment. A side issue I know...it's just my own life would lend itself to that theory and I thought it worth a ponder.

Nevertheless emotional stability, which is what I seek, is a very constant and stable sense of knowing that everything will be okay and that regardless of my day's events or lack of events I am just where God wants me. I don't need to keep trying to change my circumstances or overanalyzing them and most of the time I don't have to produce anything to define my worth. No need to rush out and buy some paint to repaint the house today. What a relief!

I just really want to keep things in perspective and when I have the chance...instead of deeming a moment in time as boring, I want to sit and enjoy a starry night, rather than rushing off to bed to prepare for tomorrow's challenges.

I don't need to be addicted to excitement and always in search of another exciting event nor do I need to be addicted to having a new challenge to overcome everytime my life plateaus. The plateau is where I want to remain. I guess that it's on the plateau that the pivotal point of emotional balance is defined. Not that I donÕt want to enjoy the summits or embrace the challenges of the valleys. I just want the summits and valleys to not have the power to control whether or not I have an internal sense of calm and delight. I know that the plateau is levelled flat by God so my next conclusion is that He will be the answer to levelling my emotions too!

8. A Happy Home Sanctuary

One of the biggest depression triggers for me has been my environment. I still find that having a clean clutter free home provides that safe place away from the world to recharge. It is restful and relaxing. Those elements have often meant the difference between a peaceful mental outlook and a confused, disturbed and frustrated one.

Looking at mess, tripping over clutter and feeling claustrophobic in a dark and dingy environment certainly does not create the feelings of warmth and nurturing I needed to heal. I am even more aware of the 'feel' of spaces outside my home now. I really do lean towards wide open spaces, quiet and clean tidy places.

My home is very ordinary and quite poky but some of the things that have changed it's 'feel' include: Bright splashes of colour in artwork on the walls. One or two practical wipe down pieces of childrenÕs furniture-they're bright and functional. Mirrors to throw the light around. They lean on the top of shelves and hang on walls.

Pets! One dog and two cats. They are affectionate and cuddly and relaxed. Especially those lazy cats! They are quite therapeutic for all of us. The fur does bother me a bit so our dog has a very short coat and all three pets live outside --and they have baths too.

Gardens. Mine are simple and drought tolerant with a few flowering plants that provide an odd posy of cut flowers that we can pick and bring inside to brighten things up. I also planted a hedge of Callistemons along the driveway about a year ago to attract the lorikeets. The way the house is positioned means that we can see Rainbow Lorikeets morning and afternoon from each window all along one side of our house. When they are not there we can still enjoy the bright red bottle-brush flowers. An added bonus is that I never water them and they still look great!
I also have a couple of outdoor spots that I love with chairs to enjoy the gardens.
Photos of us enjoying life that are framed and hanging. We see what we look like smiling and they are a constant reminder that everyday is not a bad one! I found with this one that what I removed was just as important as what I kept. I put all photos of anyone no longer living away. If they didn't get tossed altogether they were put into albums otherwise they were just a constant reminder of loss and death.

Music...my stereo is always on. Through the night too! If I wake I hear soothing and relaxing music. During the day I listen toÊfamily radio station or CDs that are positive in their content and tune

A definite fan of Casting Crowns at the moment.

Open windows and curtains pulled right back to allow as much light in as possible. Fresh air and sunlight...

Lots of lighter colours. In furniture, linen and curtains. Soft, neutral colours that are inviting to touch.

Tactile accessories help too. Bowls of shells and candles are a favourite for me.

My boys are both learning that some very noisy and busy activities are done OUTSIDE! And that quieter voices and activities are for indoors. I still struggle with lots of noise and activity when I am feeling a little more stressed than usual and being able to tell them that their chosen activity is too noisy or messy and would be better done outside is great. On the same note...with the warmer weather we love eating outdoors. They have a table and chairs outside which I love because we can just wipe it down and the dog licks up all the dropped food off the grass. Saves cleaning food off the walls and tiles and furniture inside...maybe I should consider the dog for that job too? Then again maybe not!

Clean floors make a big difference. Not having things stick to my feet as I walk through the house is lovely. I do say that however, as I sit in my studio looking at the floor covered in chicken biscuit crumbs that Callum just upended on the floor! Little cherub.

Good books to read. I have them lying around so that I can just pick one up and read from where I last left off. It's just as easy to put them down too. Of course the reading is light and positive. Plenty of self-help books too.

A bowl of fruit. I feel healthier eating fruit to snack on, the boys can help themselves to a healthy snack and it looks great. More colour!

A functional cleaning area in the house with a cleaning caddy and everything that I need on hand to clean up things as they get messy and in the same token there are plenty of bins so that rubbish is disposed of immediately.

I also love to change all my linen regularly...maybe fanatically. I love fresh clean towels and sheets...and the wonders of fabric softener!

• The Author's Journey |
• Exhibitions |
• Resources |
• Copyright |
• Site Map

© 2008 Flavia Guarino. All Rights Reserved